Jewish Jokes and Jewish Humor

Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and gives birth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when they hear the news – they know of no-one who has had triplets before.

As soon as she hears the news, Miriam’s shviger Fay goes to visit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fay hands over the bunch of grapes and says, "What a surprise, Miriam. No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, yet alone triplets."

"Yes, it was a bit of a shock," replies Miriam, "but I’m getting over it. In fact my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once every hundred thousand times."

"Oy vay, Miriam," says Fay, "how on earth did you find the time to do your housework?"

The mensh of Golders Green

Bernie is walking down Golders Green Road one cold morning when he hears an almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Golders Green’s Best Kosher Wines" lorry lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and wine freely running into the gutter. The driver didn’t seem to be injured, but he was nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers around the incident.

"What’s the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurting somewhere?"

"No, I’m not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr Solly, will no doubt blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct its cost from my pay packet."

On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy has just said? He said he’s going to lose a lot of money as a result of this accident. We shouldn’t let this happen. We must all rally around and help him out."

At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and places a £5 note in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah."

Soon, the hat is overflowing with notes and coins. The man then picks up the hat and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss. It will keep him happy." As the man walks away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Chronicle of this incident. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?"

"Of course," replies the driver. "That’s my boss Mr Solly."

Weekly coffee chat

Jacob and Morris meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre for their regular weekly schmooze and coffee. But this time, they just sit there staring at their cups of coffee without saying a word. Suddenly, Jacob says, "Do you know what I think, Morris?"
"No," replies Morris, "what is it that you think, Jacob?"
"I think," says Jacob, "that life is just like a cup of coffee."
"Why do you think that?" asks Morris.
"How should I know," replies Jacob. "Am I a philosopher?"

The first date

[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Judith meets Isaac at a dance and they seem to hit it off quite nicely – so much so that they agree to go out for a meal the following night. Isaac says he will pick her up at her house at 8pm.

The following evening, Judith spends quality time getting herself ready for what she hopes will be the start of a new romance. Finally, she is ready. She walks over to the mirror and looks at herself. What she sees is an attractive, sexy, well made-up young woman, wearing a low-cut but very chic evening dress, matching satin shoes, and the vintage pearl necklace and matching ear-rings her bubbeh gave her. She is pleased with what she sees and sits down to wait for Isaac.
But she is very disappointed when 8pm arrives and there’s no sign of him. She continues to wait in hope, but there’s still no Isaac. At 9.30pm, Judith gives up. Crying, she runs upstairs to the bathroom and roughly wipes off all her make-up, smudging her lipstick over her mouth. But she doesn’t care. She goes into her bedroom, changes out of her lovely dress and puts on her dressing gown. Finally, she takes off her shoes, puts on her slippers and goes downstairs to watch TV.
But as soon as she sits down, the doorbell rings. When Judith opens it, there stands Isaac with a bunch of flowers in his hand. He looks at Judith with a worried look on his face and says to her, "Judith, what’s going on? I’m nearly two hours late, …. and you’re still not ready?"

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